there are things i remember: the smell, the way HE touched me, the way HE pushed me down on the bed, how he said NO and how he said SHUT UP. his hands felt like sandpaper over my body, and he was sweaty when he covered my mouth so i wouldn't scream and wake his roommates. i remember the time: 2:05am. his sheets were blue cotton, and i had them in my fist, clenching. they were wet from my tears.

there are things i don't remember: what he was wearing that night, why i went to his house, why i let him drive drunk, what his roommates names where. what i was wearing, how many times i asked him to stop. where he is now, why didn't i tell someone? why didn't i?

i just remember this: i felt dirty. violated. ashamed of myself. i am lucky now, to have a wonderful man, who loves me and takes care of me and does not do things to me without my permission. he tries to understand some of my pain, and why sometimes i'd rather just be held.

it's been two years today. two years. i have, for the most part, moved on. but sometimes, i still have that memory...the one where i feel like i'm drowning because it has all come back. with my fiance's help, i can breathe.

and slowly, it's fading away...

~j