i was a virgin, though, and to have lost my virginity by being tricked into going backstage at some seedy discotheque and then to be too drunk to know what this man was doing - all i could think of was that scene in scream when sarah michelle gellar is getting stabbed behind the tires while the marching band passes by in that parade.

mexico has consumed me, though. i feel like it's eating away at whatever i was and all i am now is my shell. i thought, after my father was killed, that i was strong enough to handle anything. i'm not strong enough for this.

and now. i still drink, a lot, and my friends only half-joke when they call me an alcoholic. but after another boy i knew got me so drunk i almost died while trying to hook up with me, i vowed to never drink with anyone but my boyfriend and the small group of friends i know i can trust.

so a few weeks ago, when i was very drunk, i walked out of the bedroom where my friends and i were hanging out and towards the bathroom, when my friend's stepfather approached me. he was a man who i would have trusted with my life; i've spent years at his house, talking with him about various life questions. he was so nice, so chill, and so willing to buy us alcohol whenever we wanted.

"i think you're really sexy," he said to me. i must have thanked him. then he said "i want to have sex with you."

the next few minutes i don't remember well. i gradually became aware that he was feeling me up. he was describing how awesome i would feel when we were having sex. i kept telling him we couldn't have sex now, it had to be years from now because i'm too young. the vague plan i concocted was to make it all a joke. to not piss him off and to get back to the bedroom.

he let me go, but not before trying to make out with me, which disgusted me enough to shock me out of my stupor and allow me to turn my head away. back with all the other boys, i sat quietly in a corner waiting for a chance to tell my loving boyfriend what happened.

his sympathy lasted a few hours. now, i'm stupid and make him sick because i didn't make coach stop.

coach called me a few days after it happened. my boyfriend, not yet knowing what had happened, gave him my phone number when he asked for it. everyone trusts coach. i was expecting an apology (that night, coach had just begun drinking vodka, which has a reputation for making him violent. when the other boys heard he was drinking vodka, they all got scared he would kick their asses; i was the only one who hadn't been afraid, being the sole girl). instead, he asked me if i thought about what he said to me (our plans to have sex which would make me "cum like crazy") and i told him i didn't remember. he told me he missed me and i should come over soon to talk with him about it.

i know i'm a coward, and compared to all you girls who have gone through so much worse (sober), there's no reason i should be. but i am.