I dorm but I'm at home now, and on some weekends I come home to see the parents. This is such a weekend. What happened to me happened in January 1989 in my living room, on the floor, as he pushed me so hard that I had rug burn on my back. I still feel weird being there alone. If ever I'm home alone, I hide in my room, turn up 90s grunge way up high, and do my best to drown out my fears. Why is it that I can't even come home in peace? I never told my parents what happened to me, and I don't know if I ever will. Why should I, so he can invade their world... I don't feel that I can ever do that to them. They will inevitably blame themselves. It wasn't their fault, and I'm trying to convince myself it wasn't mine... it's hard. I opened the door, I recognized him through the peep hole, I knew who he was, he was nice, friend of the family... but I disobeyed. Mom told me that she didn't care if the pope came over, I was not to open the door unless it was a memeber of the family, nuclear at that. I didn't do that. But I know I was a child, I was 8 1/2, but days like this, I sit and I think so damned hard about that one defining moment of my life. What if? What if I hadn't? Who would I be? It kills me. I just don't know.

I thank you though, and I thank this journal... it's a godsend because I am silent about this to only a few. Heartfelt solidarity is comfort so amazing I would have never been able to imagine it... thank you.

But you know, I want it to go away, I don't want to be this cynical embittered person. I believe the worst in most men, that they are after the prize and not partnership, that they are users and abusers. But in moments of clear skies and happy clarity, I think that it's me who's damaged goods, and I am the one who is too harsh, that people are ultimately good. Just typing that made my cringe... I just don't buy it today, I just can't.

I just wanted someone to hear me, someone that I know feels for this type of thing. This gives me peace of mind, enough, I hope, so I can sleep. Thanks, and good night.