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2005-03-31 | No Longer Blissfully Ignorant.


I'd only known him for a couple of years. Then someone who knew him told me casually of the time he was jailed for "Inappropriate Homosexual Acts Towards Young Boys". He changed his name. The pit of my stomach became heavy because all the pieces fell into place. Why did she tell me this? Why is there a secrecy about it? Why is it so hard to put a stop to is all and prevent more victim from being prey to those who act inappropriately? Whether it's boys or girls, underaged or overaged, you don't go into someone else's personal space.

All the things he'd done, his reactions towards younger men, my discomfort about his predatory nature towards them and the silence surrounding him when I asked why he changed his name. I never really put too much energy into it until that info was said. Now, I can't stop thinking that anything I do or don't do will come out horrible. I feel involved for knowing this, for having this dirty information.

To think that until recently, I didn't know this was going on under my nose and that others know and are silent about it. I think of the people I thought of as my friends and how they were blindly loyal towards the very friend who raped me and possibly others. For them to stick up for him and show me their loyalty was terribly offensive and a backstabbing reaction to what he put me through. The thought that someone else would find out about him and find out if I knew would make me feel ashamed, but to stick my neck out and blow the whistle on someone I've known for a few years would also label me.

I've been in a situation where I felt someone was doing something wrong and I ended up burned when I couldn't contain myself anymore. It didn't do anything but ostracize me while the one targetted went about his life the same old way. I don't know if I went about it wrong or if I missed the mark or if I'm jumping the gun here.

How can I participate in Breaking The Silence when it all backfires and changes nothing? Suppose I get no support? I fear anything I do will make things worse. I fear that the next victim will be the result of me or anyone else doing nothing. I fear someone will find out that they could've been safe if someone had done something about him, I fear I'm betraying a friend.

I almost wish I hadn't known, but how do you keep information like this hidden when it's bursting out of you? How do you just walk away from this knowing it'll still go on with out you present? How can an act that's been around since the beginning of time go away in a few days?

How do I handle this?



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so easy.. - 2007-03-20
here - 2006-10-14