About / Rules / News / Profile
Links / Buttons / Diaryrings
Trust Your Instincts / Creator of Speak Out / Current Facilitator

Guestbook / Notes / E-Mail

Previous / Next / Current / Archive

Add an entry


2003-09-14 | Everything Sucks.

The whole incident made me wonder what kind of friends I'vce acquired in my lifetime. I've been considered a push-over, and that kind of personality trait attracts manipulative and immoral people. I've been bad at choosing friends, for one of them raped me and lied to me about it being consensual. My other friends, the ones I thought respected me, stood up for him. If I was a respected person, if I was a stronger person, I'd have gotten some loyalty. I'd have some support to get me through this, or at least some assurance that I didn't bring this upon myself. The fact that I did defend myself didn't matter to them, for they assumed I was too nice to put up a fight, despite my shovings and protests. I got no respect. I don't know who to trust anymore.

I don't know what to think of people anymore, of my friends when it comes to backbone. I'm not an aggressive person, so why is that seen as a flaw? Why am I made to feel bad about something that isn't my fault, and why is he allowed to get away with something that my friends think of as his character trait? Why can't this be resolved? Why can't I get any closure on this? Am I obsessing over something that happened 6 years ago, and is something wrong with me? Why can't I heal? What am I doing wrong that I can't feel better about myself or even trust anyone? I've been accused by friends who say I'm over-sensitive, yet they say the most insensitive things. I can't help but feel bruised when the subject comes up, yet I say nothing to others who don't know, for fear I'll just reopen an old wound. I hate living like this. I'm living with this everyday, with no relief. I'll never get over this. I feel made responsible for being raped. Is that how they want to see it so they can feel better? Why am I a scapegoat for how they feel about it? I can't wish for it to go away because that doesn't work. I'll never heal from this. My trust in people is messed up, and I can't help it. I hate my life from the incident until now. I can do nothing about it. I'm filled with so much self-loathing, yet I did nothing wrong! What else can I say?

Previous | Next | Current

Last 5 Updates:
- 2008-06-27
Relating To A Postcard - 2008-06-26
Sexual/Assault - 2008-04-04
so easy.. - 2007-03-20
here - 2006-10-14