For an hour, assembled in the gymnasium, my grade school class and I yelled our vocal chords and diaphragms out. We took turns yelling NO, and AAAHH. To this day, I think I still know how to do the "proper" yell. Although I've never once used it. And the time I should have used it, is the time it probably wouldn't have worked for me. Nobody would have come running to help.

When I tell people I was raped, the women look at me like the men look when somebody is kicked in the balls. That grimace that can only be interpreted as "oh you poor thing, I'm so glad it wasn't me. What pain." The men, however, look at me with different expressions that sometimes puzzle me and sometimes infuriate me. I have never come across a sympathetic man, actually. Most ignore the fact after it's been said, and continue on with their life. It makes me feel like they don't believe me. Some have said they played ignorance because they didn't know what to say, and didn't know if I wanted to talk about it or not. But I think they just would rather have the nasty thought go away. I have come across one who looked at me as if to say "yeah, so?" And a couple of others with expressions on their face that can only be translated as "you deserved it, you know."

There aren't a lot of empathetic people in this world. At least not the people I've encountered. Which gives me all the more reason to crawl back up inside myself as if I'm a dung beetle. I am Gregor Samsa, from Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis." I also feel like I'm Inez from Sartre's "No Exit." But that's a different story. (Yes, I am very much into existentialism.)

I think most people don't want to associate with people who have been attacked. They either think we're damaged, or that we'll somehow rub off on them. Or maybe they're afraid of us because we've experienced something they haven't. I don't know what it is. But I've seen it happen to me, time and again. People learning about my past and leaving. Makes me feel rotten most times. It's happened online, and it's happened offline. Very few people have stuck by me, knowing what they know.

Which is why most times I keep quiet. I don't tell people what happened to me because I'm afraid they'll leave like all the others. And then, when I think I trust somebody, I tell them what happened and they decide what to do with that knowledge.

It hurts. But oh well. I write about it here in my diary to get some of it out. Because, if it's here in my diary, and you read it, then you can decide whether to continue reading and talking to me, or just slip away thinking "she's fucked up," without me really knowing. I don't have that hurt of telling you point blank and watching you go away.

Just like I feel I should educate the public, or any ONE person, I also feel the need to write all of these things down in this diary just for me. Like I have to educate myself. Because if I didn't have it in cold hard facts, written down somewhere, my brain would go wild thinking crazy thoughts. So I come back to this diary and I read what I have written almost like it was written by somebody else. And it makes sense, and then my brain doesn't go as wild as it usually does. I start believing some of the things I have written. Which, in most cases, is a good thing. And if I could help, or educate at least one person out there, then I'm really glad. Because as much as it won't go away, I'd like to prevent one person from being raped. Prevention is key. Rape will always happen. I know this. You know this. But if you can be attuned to your surroundings and instincts, then maybe you could prevent this from happening to yourself, or somebody else.

So, here are a list of things I have learned since my attack. Some may be trivial, and some may be profound. And I know, in school and such places they pass around these handouts. But does anyone really read them? No. We all think -- it could never happen to me. Well, it happened to me regardless of me being in denial. So maybe, if you won't read the handout, you'll listen to somebody who's been through it.

1---Always, ALWAYS, trust your instincts. This is key. If you don't trust yourself, or your instincts, then you may be leading yourself into harm more often than not. If something doesn't feel right, then chances are it ISN'T right. So when something doesn't feel right, you should examine what's around you, and then do something about it. Who cares if it draws attention to you, or if it "looks stupid." Your safety is NUMBER ONE. Your pride is number two. This may seem extreme, but believe me, it's not as extreme as you think. In fact, some of you may already be practicing this instinctual rule. At night, do you walk where it is lit? Do you avoid dark alleyways and other places? Do you cross the street if you think a man is following you? Do you change seats if you're getting shifty eyes? Do you clutch your purse tightly? Do you carry anything that can be used as a weapon?(a pen, mace, letter opener, etc...)

2---Stranger rape is the lowest statistic of all rapes. It is. The highest is acquaintance, date rape, and rape by someone you know and trust. Wives get raped by their husbands all the time. Just because you're married, or just because you and your sig.other profess your love for each other, does not mean that you can be forced into doing something you don't want to do. So don't think that it's only strangers you have to watch out for. I'm not trying to make anybody paranoid, and by all means, continue trusting the person you are with. Some people are just a little too trusting, and let their love cloud their judgement. I was raped by my then boyfriend. I thought we loved each other. I should have trusted my instincts and I should have figured out what was going on. I could have maybe prevented what happened to me. I'm not saying it's my fault. I know it's not. But it's a feeling that I will carry with me for a long time. It's been almost 8 years, and I still feel that it was partly my fault. So, just like mommy used to say "don't talk to strangers." You must also be aware of those you trust.

3---If you have been raped, please know, it is NOT your fault. I know some of you may think it is. Or some of you may be scoffing at this number 3. Tell yourself that nothing could have been done differently. It happened. It was bound to happen. And it's over. And it's not your fault. No matter what. No amount of revealing clothing, flirtatious glances, sashaying of the hips, heated kisses, or kind words brought this attack upon you. That's it. Case closed. NOT your fault. No matter what you say.

4---When I say be aware of your surroundings, I also mean be aware of your drinks. Seriously, roofies is very prevalent nowadays. So if a good lookin' person buys you a drink, perhaps you should abstain. Or if you leave it unattended, maybe you should buy another one. Seriously, would you rather be raped, or shell out an extra few bucks? And do I need to even tell you not to get in strange people's cars? Or go to their apartments? At least not without anything in your purse that could help you. And if you can, take self-defence courses. Why not? It'd get you in shape, AND help you in these fight or fright situations. And if you don't want to do that, at least learn very basic manoeuvres. I'm sure you've heard all of this before. But we all take our safety for granted. We do. We slip up, and don't do half of the things that we should, and ignore half of the things we should pay attention to. And most of all, we don't really trust ourselves as much as we should.

5---If you have been raped, talk to somebody. I made the mistake of keeping it inside of me for a long long time. And the few people I did talk to, didn't believe me, or ignored it completely. If you get knocked down by some bastard, talk to somebody else. Keep at it till you find somebody who will listen to you. Also, it's hard liking your body afterwards. It's hard enough liking your body in this day and age, I know. But don't damage your body even more because of this assault. Because if you continue to punish yourself, then the rapist has won. Do you want that bastard to win? No. I made this mistake as well. I ate myself into oblivion and put on a lot of weight because I thought if I did so then I wouldn't be attacked again. Because who would want to have sex with a fat ugly bitch? I was wrong. 1)I shouldn't have continued damaging my body. 2)I should have talked to SOMEbody. 3)Rape is not about sex. It's about power.

6---If you see somebody being raped, or looking like they're going to be attacked, don't just walk away scared. DO SOMETHING. Get help. I mean it. Because if you walk away, it will haunt you for the rest of your life. ESPECIALLY if you see in the paper the next morning how that person was killed, or worse. Some people think death is the worst thing that can happen. Hmm.

I could go on and on, but these seem to be the main points that are swimming around in my brain.

And frankly, I'm tired of typing at the moment. Feel free to argue with me. I don't mind. We could discuss things, if you're so inclined...