i remember as a child how much i loved my father, i wanted to make him proud.. i insisted he came with me to violin lessons.. just so he could here how good i was (i was crap... i was 5 years old)

i remember after you beat mum up that final time.. her screams.. as i hide upstairs singing to my little sister... so she wouldnt cry... she kicked you out.. i love and hate her for that.. she saved herself but sacrificed me...

we used to stay in your little flat, my sister and i.. u used to make me do ur ironing for you, i was 7 years old... you would touch my skin with the hot iron.. the pain was so, so painful... u would undress me and put me in the bath... touching me, stroking me, caressing me... then holding me under the water... that second to long.. and i would panic.. you would laugh at me... tell me i was silly and i should trust you... you were my daddy... daddy wouldnt hurt me..i would sleep by the window so i could see the stars.

you would creep in.. after my cute baby innocent little 4 year old sister was asleep.. and carry me out of my bed.. sometimes half asleep... but most times i was waiting for you.. knowing you would come.. i would pretend to be asleep but i quickly learnt it wouldnt make any difference... i tried going limp.. tried stifening.. but you would do that thing... your glaring angry eyes.. the ones which tell me succumb or die... the ones which watch me in my dreams to this very day... do u realise this whole nightmear of mine started 10years ago... thats a whole decade..

i saved my sister... scarficed my soul... she will never forgive me for tasking her daddy away... i will never forgive me for hurting her.. i tried so damn hard to save her from the pain.. and i hurt her more

and whats more. im not angry.

i tried to kill myself 4 times.

my arms, legs, breasts are heavily scared.

but im not angry with you.

3 and a half weeks ago I was walking from frenchies to moda... to meet Sam and Alex (who didn�t turn up.. so I tried calling them gave up.. plus my phone battery was dying.. and decided to go home) there was a few people who looked a bit pissed... so I crossed over to the �real�/�halifax� side of the pedestrian part of town... just made myself feel a bit safer... walk a bit.. Then think I should txt them incase they are on their way... try to turn my phone on... but I will get the pin in... Half write a txt and turn if off... so I tried that a couple of times... whilst concentrating on this... I haven�t noticed or... didn�t hear someone come up behind me... someone touches my shoulder... firmly... I turn around... And am dragged into the side road/alley way... I am kinda shocked... not really aware of what is happening... I am trying to tell this 'person' I have to go home... and they are like telling me how they live 10 seconds away... I�m like I have to go home...kinda merrily drunk... Kinda innocent... u know... 'Everyone is your friend' level of drunkenness... I soon realise not everyone is my friend... and start to cry... he turns around and tells me not too... and he wipes the tears away from my face... stokes me cheek... then kisses me... it was horrible.. So violent... kinda a really aggressive kisses... I was pushed... (Kinda thrown... but I think that�s more to do with me losing my footing in the boots I was wearing) I push his head away from my lips and say 'no' crying lotsly now... he just looks at me... I don�t think even said anything... and just kissed me again... this time touching my breasts... I try to keep my mouth closed... and I push at his head... but he is so strong... makes me feel so helpless� I was helpless� pushing his hand under my top� I start fighting kicking real hard� he repositions himself� so one knee is between my legs� one hand is still on my breast but the other hand moves from my shoulder� to my neck� and suddenly I cant breath anymore.. I am trying to gasp for air... his tongue enters my mouth� I am trying to breathe� but I can�t� I am struggling� with him� and his strong arms� I start to feel like almost dizzy... but more kinda heavy� his hands are roaming my body� he tried to undo the button of my trousers�. But can�t do it one handed� he takes the hand from my throat... I gasp for air� as he is undoing my trousers� putting his hand into my underwear... touching me� kissing me so aggressively� I feel his fingers inside of me... it hurts... it hurts so much� I am almost screaming... then suddenly it stops�

A girl is standing behind him� I recognise her... I think she was in the year below me at school� she is asking for cigarettes� I don�t have any� I tell her I don�t smoke... but he has stopped enough to think... I kinda move round� so I am not trapped... and he is like no sorry� then turns back to me... she is still there... I am like... I have to go... and he is like... no stay� but I am really crying now... and I think he was scared� cos of the girl... so I tell him I will meet up with him the next day� and say ill give him my mobile number� I gave him a false number... and ran� I think he must have tried calling it� cos after I ran in my boots across from the shoe shop past the bedding shop� he was behind me saying it doesn�t work... I tell him it cos my phone is switched off� because it needs to be charged� this seemed to satisfy his need to have it� I tell him I would meet him at 1�.and then tell him to leave me alone... and I go� I turn around and he is gone� I think I see him in the distance� I can�t breathe... I am hyperventilating/panic attacking... then I see a familiar face come towards me� Tanya... a friend of mine from secondary school� she takes me to the taxi rank� and I get a taxi home�.

but i am not angry...

i tried to kill myself

and my arms have new scars

my body was hijacked... time after time.. i tried to fight.. i tried my hardest.. and sometimes ur best isnt good enough..

it was my fault.. i deserved it.. and as my dear best friend tells me.. i was in the wrong place at the wrong time...

another friend says get a grip.. when i say i am scared to sleep...

i had my university interview yesterday... are you proud daddy... your little girl is going to university..

im a big girl now... so differnt..

im sorry daddy. im sorry

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