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2003-08-18 | I'm fucked


My Dad had just put down the phone he did his little frustrated sigh/growl and my first instinct was to exit the room before dad thought of a reason to reprimand me, which he always did when he was angry.

But before my little seven-year-old legs could bolt me away he called me over.

I made my slow death march toward, afraid he was mad at me.

Then he said, "aunt Edie and the kids are going to be staying with us"

I was overjoyed, the idea of company all the time thrilled me but the sad look in his eyes dampened my rapture.

"What's the matter daddy?" I asked.

He wouldn't say... He would never say because that meant it was true and daddy never lies.

I remember the day Edie and the kids came over with their stuff.

Edie would be staying with the baby in the basement room, Jason with my brothers, and Paul with me.

The boys came romping toward Jason with armloads of toys and they began to play.

But Paula was not her usual self, usually without a word she'd run to my room to play with my barbies.

but this time she walked to my room and went to sleep on my bed.

She slept alot... a whole lot.

She'd talk in her sleep.

Say words I didn't think she knew.

And I found out later that she would touch me in my sleep.

One night she woke up screaming at the top of her lungs and I boted up saying trying to quiet her asking what's wrong, she didn't answer. As soon as she ran out of breath she began to cry.

She told me everthing, how she had been raped by her step-dad and how her mother knew about it.

She could never keep a secret.

My first instinct was too rush over to wake up Mom and Dad but half way down the hall I bumped into them, I guess they heard her screams.

I told them what she told me and they called the police.

To this day my cousin Jason accuses me of taking away the only father he ever had.

Paula touches herself and others in inappropriate ways and their step dad writes me letters from prison telling me about how as soon as he gets out he'll kill me.

I was seven years old... I just wanted my cousin to stop crying.



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