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2003-08-16 | Freedom Is Only For The Perpetrator

I got a letter from the bastard who raped me today. I put him in jail, and I hope someone is violating him like he violated me. Apparently, a condition of his parole includes writing me a letter to apologize for what he did. He�s out now.

How is this fair? He gets a couple years of reduced freedom, and has to write a letter, and he can walk away from it all. I have to live with the way he destroyed my life FOREVER.

Since he can�t have contact with me, or I with him, I am posting my reply here.

To the bastard who raped me,

You can keep right on hoping I�ll forgive you, asshole, because it isn�t going to happen. How can I forgive you? You broke me. It isn�t the fact you raped me, it isn�t even the fact you tried to strangle me when I wouldn�t let you, or the long scar that runs down my right arm which I say was put there by an angry cat. The scar is fading, my throat no longer hurts, and others have hurt me since you did.

No, none of these things make me deny my forgiveness. I deny it because you took something far more important from me. My safety.

I was a wild creature once. I roamed the world freely, secure in my knowledge to protect myself. I strolled darkened alleys at two am with the knowledge no one could touch me. I walked where I wanted. I didn�t jump when someone whistled. I didn�t care about my clothes. I slept at men�s homes knowing I could trust them. I passed out in strange beds knowing I could trust my instincts. You stole this from me.

Now I can�t sleep anywhere except my own bed. Now I have nightmares about being unable to breathe. Now I lock my doors. Now I shiver when my father hugs me. Now I rage against all who want to care for me. Now I fear the dark, and all its hidden threats, because I slept in your bed that night and woke up in a headlock from someone who was supposed to be asleep in the other room.

You took away the night. And I can never forgive you for that. I hope you choke on my hate. I do every day.

Alice.

If God is merciful, he will lead that man to this page, and let him see what he created. I don�t know if God is really merciful anymore.

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Nihilist

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- 2008-06-27
Relating To A Postcard - 2008-06-26
Sexual/Assault - 2008-04-04
so easy.. - 2007-03-20
here - 2006-10-14