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i adore my boyfriend but i'm pushing him away because i can't talk to him about how i feel. every little remark i make in hopes of talking to him just makes me feel more stupid and every time he responds by ignoring or not hearing what i really mean just makes me think he doesn't care. i know it hurts him, too, and i know that sitting sullenly on the phone because i can't say to him "i'm dying inside and i need to know that you care" isn't fair. i'm pushing him away because of my inability to tell him that when he mentions my rapist's name, i stay up all night hyperventilating until i force tylenol pm down my throat. he forgets we even had the conversation two minutes later.
i love him and he loves me. there is no doubt and there is no time i feel better than when i am with him. but he can't read that when i think of how my friends including him are going to party with the man they know molested me, i lose the ability to speak or move, and i can't tell him. so he goes and he thinks it's okay with me because i don't want to be selfish and tell him it's not.
also. i got tested for hiv three months after the rape. i just found out it might not show up until six months after. and i'm too lazy? or too scared?
- 2008-06-27
Relating To A Postcard - 2008-06-26
Sexual/Assault - 2008-04-04
so easy.. - 2007-03-20
here - 2006-10-14
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