Knowing it in my heart.

Flashes of images in my mind.

What was that? Where was I? What was I doing?

Odd memories.

Of things I blamed on myself growing up.

Things I told myself I must have initiated.

Memories of feeling dirty,

whenever in the presence of someone rightous.

Like grandma.

The same grandma who asked, out of the blue,

if anyone had ever touhced me in way that made me uncomfortable.

Such an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"NO! Why would you ask me that?!" I exhorted.

Feeling dirty.

Why did I feel dirty?

Why can't I remember what happened to me?

Flashes of memories.

Like the flicker of old movie reels.

People tell me I know what happened in my heart,

That when my mind is able to handle it,

I'll remember all the details.

I don't want to remember all the details.

I just want to know who.

Who robbed me of my childhood?

Who hurt me in ways so bad, my mind has locked the memories away.

Probably forever.

Who stole my sense of safety?

Who caused me to question every male family member in my mind?

I want someone to pay.

I don't want all the gory details.

Just enough to let them know that I know what they did.

I just want to know who hurt me.