and i remember his chair on the deck. it was right beside the screen door. i remember when we would go swimming and then we'd go up on the deck and everyone would be sitting there just talking. but there was this game. i think it was a game. but it wasn't fun. i was scared. you had to run into the cottage really fast. you had to get that door opened really fast or he'd grab you. he'd grab you right there in his strong arms. and i don't remember why but you had to squirm. and i think he wanted a kiss.

he wanted a slippery-slobbery. that's what he called it when he kissed you. but i don't really remember what that was like. it wasn't with his tongue like it would be later. but it was more than a little peck. there was something wrong. and i was scared. i was scared and everyone watched me squirm.

he was ugly and fat. his stomach bulged. he wore little underwear and walked around. he was always sniffling. but he didn't like me very much. he liked my sister. always saying that she was his little girl. who's girl are you? that's what he'd say to her. and she wouldn't want to say she was his girl. she said "i'm everybody's girl" and he'd laugh a little laugh. it was the kind of laugh that made you think there was a man under all his illnesses. and he'd say "you're mine".

i don't know why he didn't like me. i was harder than casey. i was always a bit of a bitch. and i guess he could tell i didn't like him but casey didn't like him either. but he liked casey. and he didn't like me. i don't know why.

we always argued about giving him a kiss. that's what i remember. it was always this struggle, this fight. but it was also a game. it was a game to him. it was a game to everyone else.

i think i remember him putting his hands on my shoulders on thanks giving. i remember the chair i was sitting in. it was red-brown pleather. armchair. and he came up behind the chair and put his hands on my shoulders. i remember that. did that happen? i remember that. and i was scared.

later, i don't know when or why it changed, i just gave into giving him a kiss. i didn't put up the struggle, the fight, the game. it wasn't worth it. but it also had to do with respecting my dad and honouring his family. i was older. i was twelve. i was learning about being polite. about giving your grandfather a kiss. i encouraged my sister to. she put up the fight and i think i might even have called her rude.

but that's what did it. i gave up the fight. i gave in. so, he didn't even have to force anything on me really. he didn't have to grab me. i went right into his arms. of course i was scared. i was disgusted by him. but it was a way to get out of the bathroom faster and away from him. and i don't know why it was suddenly so important to be polite.

and after. after he put his tongue in my mouth. that changed everything. fear became the big thing. i was scared because i never thought he'd do that. i'd always been scared of him but i could never figure out why. and now i had a reason. i never actually thought he'd do that. i never imagined. but after, there was fear. and big huge thoughts like "he likes little girls". and fear. i hid under the blanket. and i was scared at night. behind the yellow curtain i knew he was laying in his bed. but he got up at night. he got up and i was always terrified that he'd come and pull me out of bed and rape me. i thought he would. but he didn't. all he wanted was a kiss.

and i started to think about my aunts and i thougt he must have fucked them. and i was scared for my sister and my cousins. would he kiss them too? would he put his tongue in their little mouths too? and i didn't know what to do. should i tell? i was so confused. i replayed what happened over and over in my head. trying to figure out what to tell my mother. and i thought about it so much. what would she say? would she believe me?

when we finally got home, i remember the pavement on the driveway and it was summer and i remember thinking how stupid an i dea it was to tell. of course i wouldn't tell. that was stupid. i'd pull the whole family a part. but when i saw my mom she saw the sadness in me and she knew. so i told her and i cried. the first tears i cried over him. and i don't remember what i said. it must have been vague. i don't think she understood. what was the difference between what i was telling her and the usual slippery-slobberies? but my dad came downstairs and i was lying on the top bunk and he told me i could have told him.

then it all went silent and no one mentioned it again for years. except once, we were standing by the water, me and casey and my grandfather was there too and i don't know why. maybe he had just come out of the boathouse. but he wanted a kiss and i said no. and he said something like "no, you don't have to kiss me anymore because you're getting older" and he didn't sound like the brain dead grandfather everone thought he was. it wasn't his pills talking. he sounded pissed off. he must have known i told on him and he was mad.

and then i just tried to protect my sister and my cousins and myself and i was constantly afraid and i didn't know what to do.